i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
God, I missed his penis.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
