I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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