First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
