Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
