i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
