At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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