I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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