Welp...herpes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
