her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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