Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I want to have your abortion
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
