Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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