I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
