people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
