the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
my poor anus
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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