On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The power of my boobs compel you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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