Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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