I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
People in love make me want to vomit
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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