we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
