i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
