i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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