i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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