this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
