i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
