Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
