I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
