you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
