Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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