listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
