True but thats because hes a fetus.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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