I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
