Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
