I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
