Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
