Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
