Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
