During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
