I can tuck mytits in my pants
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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