you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
