He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
bring money and cleavage
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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