I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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