Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
