Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
