how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
