Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
