this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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