I CAN MOONWALK!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
