so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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