You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
