You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
