Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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