I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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