Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
