i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize