I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
