So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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