If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
