Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
